Shrader’s 13 Sure-Fire Predictions for 2013

1 Comment | Category: General

In his radio address to the nation on January 1, 1983, President Reagan said that “Perhaps because we know we control our own destiny, we believe deep down inside that working together we can make each new year better than the old.” In the spirit of the New Year, I offer 13 predictions for ’13. Happy New Year to all!

 

1—Proving that the old dogs can still hunt, Vice President Biden and Senate Minority Leader McConnell will make more progress in the first two days of their fiscal cliff negotiations than President Obama, Speaker Boehner, and Senate Majority Leader Reid have made in months. Reid and Boehner will learn from McConnell and Biden’s cooperative spirit and agree to hit the tanning beds together.

2—Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett will announce that he will not seek reelection in 2014. Instead, Corbett will sign a lucrative contract with TNT to take over the late Larry Hagman’s role as J.R. Ewing in the revived Dallas series. Corbett’s gubernatorial approval ratings will increase significantly.

3—The 2013 Phillies will rebound from their disappointing 2012 campaign by defeating the Chicago Cubs for the National League Pennant. After losing the National League Championship Series, the Cubs—who have not won a World Series since 1908—will announce their departure from Chicago. The team will play the 2014 season as the Brooklyn Cubs in a ballpark built by Jay-Z’s largesse.

The Phillies will go on to win the 2013 World Series by defeating the freshly renamed California’s Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and Yorba Linda, which will feature a powerful lineup with Mike Trout, Albert Pujols, and Josh Hamilton. Former Phillies starter Joe Blanton, who signed with the Angels in the off-season, will be shellacked by his former team in Game 7 at Citizens Bank Park.

4—Three of Mitt Romney’s sons—Tagg, Ned, and Maynard (note: I’m not sure if Ned or Maynard are actual Romney sons)—will form exploratory committees to consider seeking the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination.

5—Several prominent GOP presidential hopefuls will spend the summer stumping throughout Iowa in preparation for 2016. Candidates will include the three aforementioned Romney progeny, Chris Christie, Christine O’Donnell, Donald Trump, Allen West, Louie Gohmert, Todd Akin, Clint Eastwood, Paul Ryan, Sean Hannity, Rick Santorum, Herman Cain, $arah Palin, and Mike Huckabee. All of them will agree to compete in the greased pig chase at the Iowa State Fair. Santorum will catch the pig, but his sweater vest will be badly stained.

6—At the age of 63, Ric Flair will regain the WWE World Championship. I predict that Flair, who returned to the WWE in December, will defeat John Cena and Randy Orton in a three-way, falls-count-anywhere match at Wrestle Mania and hold the title until Survivor Series in November, where he will be defeated by Hulk Hogan. December 2013 will feature an all-out war between the two legends as Flair reconstitutes the Four Horsemen and Hogan reforms the nWo. WWE television ratings will reach record highs.

7—The hockey lockout will spread, engulfing both the NBA and professional soccer. Nobody will notice.

8—Super Bowl XLVII on February 3 will feature the Cincinnati Bengals and the Atlanta Falcons. Nobody will notice.

9—The Pittsburgh Pirates will endure their 21st consecutive losing season. Perplexed Pirates General Manager Neal Huntington will suggest hiring famed skipper Danny Murtaugh—who led the club to World Series victories in 1960 and 1971—to manage the team in 2014. The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette’s astute Gene Collier will gently remind Huntington that Murtaugh has been dead for 37 years.

10—President Obama will appoint former U.S. Senator and decorated Vietnam veteran Chuck Hagel as the next Secretary of Defense. Hagel’s former Senate colleagues John McCain and Lindsey Graham will lead the effort to derail his nomination, instead suggesting on Meet the Press that Obama should appoint Benjamin Netanyahu as U.S. Secretary of Defense.

11—Warner Brothers executives will finally grow tired of my constant badgering and will agree to produce Police Academy 8. Aside from this film, no worthwhile movies will be released in 2013.

12—After a slow start to the season, Boston Red Sox management will spare no expense to bring back knuckleballer Tim Wakefield and slugger Manny Ramirez. ESPN will immediately expand the number of televised, prime time Red Sox games from 55 to 103 this season alone. This pundit will be exceptionally appreciative.

13—Congressman Ron Paul’s retirement from the U.S. House will leave a gaping void during public debates concerning the federal government’s relentless efforts to diminish our civil liberties, the unabated growth of the military industrial complex, and the country’s unfortunate state of permanent warfare. His shoes may prove too large to fill.

Category: General

    1 Comment so far


  1. Bob says:

    Nice.
    Here are a few of my predictions…….
    1] A surprising number of folks join the TEA Party in response to the milk price increase.
    2] A surprising number of Americans join the NRA in response to the milk price increase’
    3] Cows will be milked at the same rate as always in the history of agriculture.
    4] Milk passes moonshine as the drink of choice of the Kentucky hillbillies.
    5] Got Milk?

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